Advice for Bennifer and other couples
By HARRISON HEYL

By now you’ve probably heard that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are coming to Montecito this weekend to tie the knot. There’s quite a media frenzy surrounding this event. The paparazzi are everywhere trying to figure out exactly where the wedding festivities are going to be held.

I can save you all a lot of work. My sources tell me they’ll be holding the reception exactly where I would: the cocktail lounge at Jimmy’s Oriental Garden. It’s a little dim, not as glitzy as you might expect, but the mai tais are the best in the nation, and I think that’s ample reason to hold it there. I’m also told they’ll be visiting the Adult Bookstore on lower State Street at some point during the proceedings, so you may catch a glimpse of them there.

With all this media attention focused on this event, I think it is important to reflect on the dramatic changes that have occurred to the institution of marriage in modern society. In order to help Bennifer and other couples cope with the “future shock” associated with the overwhelming number of transformations to the hallowed rite of matrimony in today’s ever-changing world, I have some suggestions every couple should keep in mind. Let’s get started:

Pack a Spare Liver

We tend to act like weddings are such solemn occasions. It’s a celebration of love, of commitment, of finding one’s soul mate.

C’mon.

Weddings are nothing more than big parties. It’s usually on a weekend, so right off the bat, it’s party time. It’s a well-dressed kegger, people. It’s binge-drinking in nice clothes. It’s a bender in a tux, let’s be honest about what occurs at these events.

I think newlyweds should honeymoon at the Betty Ford Center. Just reserve the wedding suite and a block of rooms for the wedding party, the parents and roughly half the guests. You get a group rate, and it’s best for everyone.

Org Chart Required

Another thing about weddings these days: there are so many divorcees and parents and stepparents and half-brothers and real sisters and second cousins and illegitimate bastard children, well, it just gets so complicated to figure out who everyone is these days. You need an org chart and a supercomputer just to figure out the relationships:

“OK, let’s enter the data: Archibald is Otto’s stepfather, but your real father. Pandora is your quarter-sibling. Wolfgang is your kissing cousin and manager of quality control. Bathsheba is her supervisor but also Yakov’s crazy aunt. Let’s see, divide by two, factor by pi, and ... Oh, geez, the mainframe just locked up on us. Must be an overload of data. Well, let’s reboot and re-enter the information … (Some time later) And there’s our answer! Helga is your .0875-sister! Finally, everything is coming into focus for me. Hi, Helga, nice to meet you.”

Location, Location, Location

A popular place to “ball-and-chain” or “bear-trap” is the Courthouse Sunken Gardens (recently named a National Hysterical Landmark). The perks are superlative and absolutely free of charge: the award-winning gardens; the possibility of seeing someone plunge to their death jumping from the clock tower; and, for ceremonies held during the workweek, maybe seeing an inmate escape from Superior Court proceedings. You could see a crazy person yelling obscene things, too, I’ve seen that happen. It’s public property, you can’t stop them.

So, if you don’t mind these things, or having tourists nap on the lawn near your nuptials, and you can’t or won’t afford musical accompaniment at your wedding, you at least have some sort of free entertainment during the procession.

A Final Note

Don’t forget about the beauty of becoming domestic partners. You can’t underestimate the romance associated with filling out the proper forms and paperwork at the County Clerk-Recorder-Assessor’s Office and then sharing a health insurance policy. My girlfriend and I have been dreaming about that moment for years. Give it some thought, that’s all I’m saying.

Harrison Heyl is a free-lance writer and veteran wedding observer.