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HARRISON HEYL
I recently read an online
article about “shy bladder,” or paruresis, the condition of
being unable to urinate in the presence of others. It is estimated that
this phenomenon plagues 17 million Americans to some degree.
I was so happy to read this. I mean, I feel bad for approximately 17 million
people, but I thought I was the only one to suffer from “stage fright.”
Now I know I’m not alone. What’s more, there is help for me.
The beauty of the Internet is that the online article I read contained
helpful links embedded within the text that allowed me to instantly click
onto the Web site www.shybladder.org (now www.paruresis.org), official
Web site of the International Paruresis Association. Thanks to that link,
I was able to register for the IPA’s International Convention.
The Welcome Breakfast begins with an overwhelming array of juices, teas,
coffees and other diuretics, which ought to get things started off with
a bang. The Committee Presentations includes a report from the World Toilet
Conference that I expect to be titillating. And I’m sure that after
attending three days of workshops, my bladder will no longer be bashful,
but instead, confident. (I don’t want it to be overconfident, though.
I don’t want to be at a yoga class or a public-speaking engagement
and have my bladder say, “I feel so comfortable urinating in the
presence of others, I’m going right here, right now.”)
Once it dawned on me that the Internet could be such a boon for self-help,
I found I could fix myself in a variety of ways. For example, not only
is my bladder shy, it’s also the size of a Junior Mint. My aggressive
forehead battles my warlike hair in the trenches of my receding hairline.
I don’t even want to talk about my shins, but let’s just say
my shin-splints wouldn’t be possible without them. Fortunately, there
are innumerable Web sites devoted to treating hair loss and physical and
medical conditions of every conceivable kind.
Next, I turned to some of my more vexing flaws. It’s tricky, though.
You can’t just enter any old thing into the search engine. For example,
when I entered the words “impersonates police at crime scenes,”
the confounded search came up empty, so I guess I’ll have to forego
treatment in that particular area of my personal life.
My search also came to naught when entering the keywords “doesn’t
participate in the relationship.” Similarly, “steals office
supplies from employer” was a dead end, but www.thefttalk.com provides
counseling for people who are caught shoplifting, so I may go that route.
And www.roadrage.com is the Web site of Dr. Arnold P. Nerenberg, “America’s
Leading Authority on Road Rage, Parenting and Relationships,” which
I think we can all agree are basically synonymous, so I’m excited
about killing three birds with one stone there.
Go to www.phobialist.com, and you can scroll through lists of phobias
you may suffer from. Simply knowing there is a name for one’s fear
can be liberating. Now, I can seek help for my paralyzing phobias of work
(ergophobia) and responsibility (hypengyophobia).
There are some phobias that I would rather keep intact, however, and which
I feel are rather apt to lead to a better life, all in all. For example,
I don’t want treatment for my fear of bullets and missiles (ballistophobia)
or nuclear weapons (nucleomituphobia). Fear of tornadoes, vegetables,
the Dutch, string and otters are obviously reasonable and should not be
treated. As anyone who has seen my unfortunate hairdo can attest, a fear
of hair — mine — is completely natural and probably healthy.
Finally, fear of oboes, campaign finance, large defense budgets and Tuna
Helper are things I wish more people suffered from, not less.
In any event, the Internet is a wonderful resource
for self-help. I encourage you to use it. And if you find anything for
“impersonates police at crime scenes,” let me know. Otherwise,
I may have some luck with a court-mandated treatment program, such as
incarceration. It’s probably only a matter of time before I get caught.
Harrison Heyl is a frequent Beacon contributor who, obviously, has been
frequenting the Internet way too much.
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